Love as a Weapon- First Base with a Narcissist

Ever dream of a whirlwind romance, love at first sight, finding your soul mate… the narcissist is banking on it.     Ever dream of a whirlwind romance or finding your soul mate... the narcissist is banking on it.

We may recognize a narcissistic personality in therapy– constant attempt’s to control the room, teach you a thing or two and discredit the license hanging on the wall.  But what if we meet them at work/school, during a night of drinks, through a friend…

Within the context of a therapy session spotting a narcissist or traits thereof is fairly easy, but in the dating field we are in their playing field.  Narcissists are professional daters.  They know how to effortlessly:

  • mirror back what we want in a mate
  • charm our socks off
  • listen deeply
  • flatter when you need it most
  • comfort us
  • play the victim to reveal our generous heart

If you read into articles about dating a narcissist you will find that narcissist feed off the energy of those around them.  They use people for sex, money, power or whatever he or she may want.  When a narcissist is conspiring for love he or she is attempting to find a mate who can mirror back his best qualities or the qualities he hopes to see in himself.  I believe social workers, therapists and counselors are at a particularly high risk for attracting narcissists.

The man I was involved with started off by showing right amount of interest in me.  He appeared sweet and vulnerable by texting me throughout the day.  He was non-invasive and very patient with me.

He listened so well, which is something I wasn’t quite used to.  He would ask about my day and would impress me by remembering details about my day.  He claimed that he listened, really listened because he liked me.

He also shared just the right amount about himself – stories about his day, his childhood, his family, his goals.  It was easy to believe in his plight, he painted himself as the victim in his life vying for justice against others who didn’t understand or forced him to be different.  He told me how he resented women who flaunted their bodies, ‘girls’ who assumed that he would fall for their physical assets.  He always stressed that it wasn’t only about physical beauty or personality it was about the heart.

He mentioned ending communication with other girls who were interested in him because after speaking with me, he felt like he had been wasting his time dating.  He called me the smartest and most beautiful woman he knew.  He often mentioned that he felt out of his league with me and blessed.  He told me that he was afraid of falling in love with me.

…you need to know you are one of the only people that really cares about me. You’ve done so much for me, you have no idea. I’m happier and stronger because of you. No one can take that.  I want you to know that I really love and care about you.

This is one of the many texts that fooled me.

Please be careful out there…the man I described above, the relationship I wrote about was all in my head.  I was not led into the darkness by a man that fed me lines…This man studied me, he learned what I needed, he fed me the love I desired.  This is the first stage of a relationship with a narc.  The Idealization Stage.

There are several great websites and resources for uncovering the truth behind narcissism, Psychopathy Awareness.Wordpress.com has a great article that I want to conclude my post with …this is actually what was happening behind the curtain of my fake relationship :

Psychopaths commonly engage in love bombing as their hook, to sink their claws into their victims. The flattery & declarations of love bond and attract the victims to them. Such techniques pump up the victim’s confidence and get her addicted to the supply: of flattery, of romantic words and gestures, or constant displays of “affection” and love making. But only one person–the victim–is actually  making love. The other one–the predator–is conquering her, getting her to depend upon his presence and approval, so that he can later tear her apart. That is a psychopath’s main goal: to exercise control over his targets and ultimately harm them.

I will continue to share my experience and how I uncovered the man behind the curtain.  Thanks for reading.

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